hope you like it if not TEAR IT APART IF YOU HAVE TO
The ride there was taking forever, and the loud sing of the officers didn’t really help. Thankfully my dad remembered my ipod, but even with that it wasn’t enough to drone them ou---, “Look out the window.” The officer’s stated. I turned my head and stared in awe out of the half inch thick deeply tented windows. The car came to a stop.
“Is that it? “ I said dumbfounded.
“Yes it is Montverde Academy. Beautiful isn’t it?” The officer in the driver seat said.
I sat staring still amazed, if a correctional center looks like this I wonder what prison would look like. I felt like a little girl watching Beauty and the Beast, for the first time. Montverde Academy, looked like a castle, the outside was covered with mahogany bricks from head to toe. Windows were everywhere they each were designed with beautiful murals, like the ones on a Catholic church. Next to them were matching wooden shutters that had engraved patterns marked in them. On the very top of the building stood a circular tower that reach the heavens, and sitting on it was a flag that read “Montverde Academy Correctional Center.”
I still was taking in my surroundings when the officer opened my door. Slowly I rose and inhaled the smell of fresh cut grass. I also spotted a group of kids walking on the concrete side walk. When my eyes beheld a boy like no other I have seen, came bursting out the building smiling. He was gorgeous; blond shaggy hair that reflected off the sun, blue eyes that looked like they held the ocean in them. He had on a blue shirt that complemented his golden complexion, and it hugged him tight showing the ripples of his pack. In my eyes he looked like the perfect example of a Hollister model. He looked my way and I instantly turned my head embarrassed for looking so hard.
“Hollis, come here I’ll like you to meet someone.” The officer driving yelled.
“Hi Officer Johnson.” He spoke contentedly.
“Yeah, yeah, this here is Genevieve Renee. I would like you to show her around here while we take her bags to her room.” He replied.
“Yes sir.” He breathed looking at me, I tried to return the look but a feeling of uneasiness twisted in my stomach.
“Well for starters I am Hollis Green, and I will be your escort for the day. So how do you do Ms. Renee?” He chuckled.
“Nice to meet you Hollis and I am fine sir.” I said between laughs. Our eyes locked for a brief moment, and I was in love.
*♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
The up side: This is so polished and realistic. It is detailed without becoming bogged down, and the pacing is fresh and lively.
The down side: Renee sounds like Genevieve's middle name, rather than her surname. Also, "Our eyes locked for a brief moment, and I was in love" is very cheesy. Keep it at "Our eyes locked for a brief moment". The same thing with "my eyes beheld a boy like no other". Something casual like "I saw a really cute guy" would suffice. Maybe you could also use less poetic description for Hollis? It seems painfully obvious that they're going to get together, but I'd much prefer subtle hinting.
Overall, this is on the way to becoming something very readable, and very marketable. My advice right now is to not let Hollis become a Marty Stu, and keep the brisk and casual feel.
Yay I'm back for the next part. So, anyways...
I don't think the comma after 'Academy' is needed.
This sentence confused me. Did you mean "Then my eyes beheld a boy like no other..."
Okay, this was pretty good. Keep up the good work! PM me if you add more.